Earth Day Tip

We all floss our teeth. Right? You don't just lie to the dentist when he asks if you floss your teeth daily? Oggy hopes not. Because all the time you save by not flossing your teeth must be paid back in double when your teeth begin to fall out. Hours in a chair with a dentist digging around your gums. Why? Because you didn't have time to floss. Well, you'll find the time to get your gums cut open to save your jaw.

Anyway, when you start to floss after reading this Oggy will tell you what to do.

Most of us roll out a two foot long strand of floss and then cut it. Then wrap it around one finger and then the other. Then we try to floss and of course the floss rolls off one finger and loses tension and we can't floss. Or else you cut the blood flow to your finger and have to take breaks. Lame! It's almost better to just lose your teeth! So Oggy has figured out a method. Don't cut the floss before flossing. Leave one end attached in the box. Better yet take the whole roll out of the box. Hold the roll in your hand. Then roll out enough to wrap around only one finger. Then go ahead and floss. See the floss will remain attached to the roll, which is easier to hold onto. And it won't cut the blood flow off to one of your fingers.

In fact, while Oggy is typing this he has figured out an even more ingenious method: Take 1 dental floss roll and take the floss and attach it TO ANOTHER EMPTY roll. Then just floss with the floss in the middle of the two rolls. And when you are done just roll an inch or two onto the "used" roll.

If it bothers you to touch used dental floss then wash it off after you use it. That's basically what you do with a toothbrush.

The reason this is an Earth Day tip is because A) if you don't lose all your teeth then you won't use all those future resources going to the dentist. That's worth some waxed thread. and B) You'll use less waxed thread this way!

Now go floss!

Area man uses Mapquest to find site of first handjob

Oggy Bleacher didn't think the internet would ever apply to him specifically, but tonight he proved himself wrong.

"I was thinking about Rose, this girl I knew in High School, and I recalled the first time she gave me a hand job."

Bleacher, dressed in a torn shirt, gray slacks and a crotchet wool hat chuckled to himself and grinned. He scratched his beard and picked something out of his eye.

"That was nigh on twenty years ago. Jesus! Twenty fucking years. Twenty years before that and I wasn't even born yet. Think about that!"

Bleacher then clicked on the bookmark of the page on the internet.

"There it is. Ground Zero."

Bleacher pointed to a nondescript field near a river.

"It was in those woods. We were camping out. I mean, I was camping out and reading Walden and trying to be super cool and I guess it worked because Rose decided to come camping with me one night."



"So we had some cocoa and ramen noodles that I made over a camp fire and we watched the traffic across the river."

Bleacher then scrolled across the screen to indicate a nearby road.

"If you toggle the label button you can even see the name of the river. Isn't that crazy? The actual name of the river I got a handjob next to!"

Bleacher shook his head for several minutes before continuing...

"So we finally went to my shack I built in the forest. It was just some plywood panels and curtains I took from the dump. See that? That's the old dump."

Bleacher pointed to a field.

"We use to play capture the flag there. Me and this kid who died from cancer. And this other kid who died. And this other kid who went to jail. We all played capture the flag in that dump. It wasn't a field then. It was a hill of toxic trash. I mean, Mapquest is cool. But wouldn't it be way cooler if they had a Mapquest that took you back in time? Like twenty years? I mean, if that were the case then you could conceivably see me getting a hand job when I was a junior in high school. I bet they're working on it right now. Call it 'Timequest'.

Bleacher then took another hit of pot from his waterbong and said, "Prescription grade rocks!"

After ten minutes of random philosophical and political musings Bleacher returned to the original hand job tale.

"So, yeah, she totally wacked me off. That was the first time anyone had been, you know, below the belt. She was pretty good. I mean, she got me off. I was in a total daze at the time. I was scared. I was thinking that sex is kind of crazy. We were out in the woods and she was jerking me off next to the dump where I used to play capture the flag. I mean, it was right there!"

Bleacher stabbed his LCD screen violently.

"Does that sound right to you? We had to go to school the very next day!"

Bleacher used the zoom in feature to get as close to the handjob location as possible.

"You can almost see the exact location of my shack. If this picture was taken in the winter, when there were no leaves on the trees, then you could definitely see the exact location of my shack. Maybe you could still see the remain. But if this were Timequest then it would definitely be there. Can you believe it? Shit. Rose is probably 37 years old, like me. She's got something like three kids. I saw her a few years ago. I reminded her about the handjob and she totally brushed me off. Like it never even happened. Totally dissed me."

Bleacher then zoomed out. He then entered a new address. A building appeared in the view. Bleacher folded his arms.

"You don't even want to know what happened there."