Chapter XI: The Glass Tiger

Chapter Eleven: The Glass Tiger

Toddy Bonigan rolled the window down and, without looking at me, said, “That's right. You know it.”

Vance addressed him with his chin. “Why are you out so late? Toolin' it?”

“Just out 'n about,” replied Bonigan. “Went down the beach. Big surf. Couple freighters out. Salt ships waiting to get into harbah. Surprised you aren't on one of them, Oggy.”

Toddy had a way of talking that made it sound like English was his second language.

“Big surf. Nothing like you probably saw in California, Oggy. What was that story about the ocean? Remember that long one? Been a long time since you told that one. History doesn't teach itself, you know.”

You never saw the coast did you? The closest you got to the coast of California were Moonrise's sun kissed nipples.

“I can’t even remember the coast,” I forced out. The Wraith voices were so loud now that I couldn't tell who was asking what.

Who are you? Who who? Where have you been, young stranger? It isn't nice to keep secrets.

“Don’t say that, Oggy. It must be great to get out of here. You've been everywhere. Where you going next?”

His question carried a hidden weight like when the counselor at BHHS had asked me what I wanted to be. He asked it like it was a threat, like I was in danger of hearing it for the rest of my life and never giving a satisfactory answer.

“I want to go to Mexico. It's too cold here. I haven't felt my toes since I got back.”

Bonigan didn't look at me.

“It isn't Alaska, right? Right? Hey.”

“Yeah. It isn't Alaska. I still need to leave. Gedman...”

“You just got back, Oggy. You must have so many new stories to tell about Florida. Cristo told me you went to UCONN and met a girl. That true?”
“Sort of,” I said guardedly.

“Really? You get your Smurf wet?”

Tell us about Lacy. How much do you want to unbutton her jeans and take her socks off. How much do you want to trade Darcy's sock for Lacy's kiss?

“No. I've gotta go to Florida, Bullwhip. Lacy's real nice. She...”

“Lacy? Is that her name? I'll bet she's got a nice tight Smurf.”

And you want to put your Smurf in her, don't you, boy-o?

How had I let her name slip? Just like all the other memories that should have remained private, Lacy was now out with Rose and Moonrise and Nancy, free to be enjoyed by any filthy Wraith. First my urethra, now Lacy. What a day!

“Why don't you stick around, Oggy? We'll start a fire and tell some stories. That'll keep you warm. What kind of songs are you writing?”

Another threat.

“I’m working on a painting right now. Nobody wants to hear about me hitchhiking and shitting in the woods.”

The fire wants to hear about it. Ray Knight wants to hear about it.

“What’re you talking about? Everyone wants to hear your stories. That story about biking naked in Yosemite is the best. What about that lesbian you screwed? What was her name? Moonbeam? Moonshine?”

“Moonrise. Her name was Moonrise.”

I struggled against the images from over a year ago: Moonrise wearing a tank top and reaching her hand out to me for help. Behind her were 2000 feet of gray boulders tumbling into the green glacial valley. Did she want to kiss me? I reached out and pulled her close enough to smell the sweat on her neck, hear the music of her breath. Close enough to...

Sleep with me Oggy. I want to feel you inside me. I've never wanted anyone more than you. Sing the song, Oggy.

Vance spit through his teeth and said, “Isn't Moonrise that whore who...”

“Shut your mouth, Vance. You don't know who Moonrise is. She was good to me. She loved me like Darcy and Rose. You don't know who Ray Knight is. You know nothing about Moonrise and me.”

Vance tilted his head and squinted at me. He spit on the ground.

“Fine. Fahk you too.”

Bonigan cleared his throat. “What about that story where you met the Vietnam Vet in Colorado and the sprinkler turned on and you thought it was rain. That’s the best. Didn't he die or something? And didn’t you trap bears in Alaska and raise horses in Ecuador? Remember those stories? Tell me the story about the bear you trapped. History doesn't teach itself, you know.”

No it doesn't. History doesn't teach itself and Moonrise didn't wear a bra on that night you held her close. And that poor bunny didn't know his death would come because of you.

“What about trapping bears, Ogden,” asked Vance. “I never heard that one.”

I coughed uneasily. I’d trapped a few snowshoe hares in Alaska, a crime against nature that I was now ashamed of and trying to redeem myself for. How had bears gotten involved?

The songs have lives of their own. That's why we love you, Oggy. Tell us about the fire in the park.

When the forest surrounding Yosemite National Park caught on fire in the summer of 1990, the park was closed and visitors evacuated. I had bicycled nude into the smoke on a deserted road trying to drive Moonrise out of my memory or else follow her into the flames.

Follow her! Follow her! Follow her to the nude rock to admire her brown skin. The Vet knows how fast Youth flies.

The Vet was on his way to have back surgery and we were trapped together under a tarp unable to move as we were soaked by an industrial sprinkler.

It sounds like fun, Oggy. You were having an adventure. What a lot of fun!

The joke was on us as he coughed up blood and died.

These were my corrupted songs now, once what I thought was my life. The songs had become the ashes of my reputation and the phoenix of other men's fantasies. As a stripper must eventually stand nude before the world except for her spiked heels, in the end all I had left were songs and their ablity to make me forget Ray Knight.

“I did what I did,” said I.

Bonigan nodded. “I respect that, Oggy. I respect you. I respect your adventures. I could never do what you've done.”

That's why we have you, our little Adventurer Smurf, our Pretty Pony.

“Look,” said Bonigan, “if you take off like you always do without saying goodbye, take some notes so you have stories to tell. We’ll go out to the Point in the spring and have a fire like the old days. Remember Ogden's Point? There are still some trees left out there to build a big bonfire. I’ll bring some hooch. Just take care of that hat. History doesn't teach itself. You know what I mean.”

“Sure thing.”

Bonigan pointed a digit at me.

“Don't joke with me, Oggy. You'll learn about respect.”

“I know, Bullwhip.”

“You know shit.”

“Fine.”

Bonigan was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Moonrise, my ass. A little whore is what she was-- just like all the others.”

Tell us about Lacy. Is she like all the others? You can tell us. We can keep a secret.

I said nothing. We stared silently at one another. I considered punching him in the throat just to see what he would do, but the fantasy ended up with Darcy holding me and saying, “You saved me. You really saved me.”

Said Bonigan, “Good 'nuff.”

Toddy Bonigan nodded his beak toward Vance, who simply said, “Bonigan.”, and drove off in the direction of Langdonville and my distant Loneliness. I took my Sox cap off and touched the sweatband. Mixed in with the Fenway Franks and Moonrise's kisses and Buddy's spit was the salt water from Pirate's Cove. I could taste the golden French Fries and grilled hot dogs in the woven fabric of my cap. Twenty-five cents for a chance to defend the galaxy. Oily Fried dough for a dollar. Toppings extra. Gloriously young 1983, ageless, formless, invincible. The carnival's call: “Ride the Cyclone for a ticket!” Listen to Asia “The Heat of the Moment” and “Rosanna” and “Don't you want me?” “One low price!”

Don't you want me, Oggy? It's Darcy. You said you'd come for me one day and we could reunite my socks. I'm waiting, if you want me.

“Come back and ride the Thunder Wheel in dizzy circles under firework blossoms.”

I'll even pay for the fried dough. Just come back and rescue me from Nostalgia. I'll rub sunscreen on your back and save the galaxy from...

Toddy sang to me as he drove east.

The ashes are growing cold, Oggy. Follow me to the Fire. Don’t forget me when I'm gone..