Area man uses Mapquest to find site of first handjob

Oggy Bleacher didn't think the internet would ever apply to him specifically, but tonight he proved himself wrong.

"I was thinking about Rose, this girl I knew in High School, and I recalled the first time she gave me a hand job."

Bleacher, dressed in a torn shirt, gray slacks and a crotchet wool hat chuckled to himself and grinned. He scratched his beard and picked something out of his eye.

"That was nigh on twenty years ago. Jesus! Twenty fucking years. Twenty years before that and I wasn't even born yet. Think about that!"

Bleacher then clicked on the bookmark of the page on the internet.

"There it is. Ground Zero."

Bleacher pointed to a nondescript field near a river.

"It was in those woods. We were camping out. I mean, I was camping out and reading Walden and trying to be super cool and I guess it worked because Rose decided to come camping with me one night."



"So we had some cocoa and ramen noodles that I made over a camp fire and we watched the traffic across the river."

Bleacher then scrolled across the screen to indicate a nearby road.

"If you toggle the label button you can even see the name of the river. Isn't that crazy? The actual name of the river I got a handjob next to!"

Bleacher shook his head for several minutes before continuing...

"So we finally went to my shack I built in the forest. It was just some plywood panels and curtains I took from the dump. See that? That's the old dump."

Bleacher pointed to a field.

"We use to play capture the flag there. Me and this kid who died from cancer. And this other kid who died. And this other kid who went to jail. We all played capture the flag in that dump. It wasn't a field then. It was a hill of toxic trash. I mean, Mapquest is cool. But wouldn't it be way cooler if they had a Mapquest that took you back in time? Like twenty years? I mean, if that were the case then you could conceivably see me getting a hand job when I was a junior in high school. I bet they're working on it right now. Call it 'Timequest'.

Bleacher then took another hit of pot from his waterbong and said, "Prescription grade rocks!"

After ten minutes of random philosophical and political musings Bleacher returned to the original hand job tale.

"So, yeah, she totally wacked me off. That was the first time anyone had been, you know, below the belt. She was pretty good. I mean, she got me off. I was in a total daze at the time. I was scared. I was thinking that sex is kind of crazy. We were out in the woods and she was jerking me off next to the dump where I used to play capture the flag. I mean, it was right there!"

Bleacher stabbed his LCD screen violently.

"Does that sound right to you? We had to go to school the very next day!"

Bleacher used the zoom in feature to get as close to the handjob location as possible.

"You can almost see the exact location of my shack. If this picture was taken in the winter, when there were no leaves on the trees, then you could definitely see the exact location of my shack. Maybe you could still see the remain. But if this were Timequest then it would definitely be there. Can you believe it? Shit. Rose is probably 37 years old, like me. She's got something like three kids. I saw her a few years ago. I reminded her about the handjob and she totally brushed me off. Like it never even happened. Totally dissed me."

Bleacher then zoomed out. He then entered a new address. A building appeared in the view. Bleacher folded his arms.

"You don't even want to know what happened there."