Top 5 Reasons to Claw My Eyes Out

Top 5 Reasons to Claw My Eyes Out

1. Feel the Noise. “From producer Jennifer Lopez…” Is that supposed to be a warning, or a promotion? How about, “From producer David Madden (Save the Last Dance), Linda Gottlieb (Dirty Dancing), Michelle Grace (Take the Lead), and Erik Feig (Step Up). It’s American “Gangsta” Idol meets So You Think You Can Dance…In The Ghetto. Is anyone else confused by the title? I thought “noise” was spelled with a “Z”. Or is J’Lo admitting that gangsta rap is in fact noise. Feel the Noise? That’s like See the Heat or Taste the Love or Hear the Spice. How about Feel My Fingers Claw My Eyes Out?

2. The Seeker, otherwise known as Harry Potter 2.0. As if fans of our young wizard couldn’t wait for the next episode they need a Milhouse-esque stand in. “He must travel to the past to save the future.” Really? I haven’t heard of that premise before. Does he meet some quirky characters in the past? Does he? Huh? And does he meet a girl warrior, exactly his own age, with whom he falls in love? I can’t wait to find out. The next thing you know they’ll make a movie of The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe with…wait a second…they DID make that movie. And it sucked. Just like The Seeker will suck. My fingers are seeking out my eyeballs.

3. Paul Haggis. Just his name makes me want to claw my eyes out. When will the Academy realize that this hack is only in movies because he failed to make it writing episodes of Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes? A year before he wrote the hideous Crash (2004) he barely made grocery money writing episodes of the short-lived Mister Sterling. Crash was basically assembled from twenty different spec scripts Haggis had lying around. Plots from L.A. Law, thirtysomething, Who’s the Boss, Walker, Texas Ranger were all thrown into a pot and out came a steaming pile of Oscar gold. At the end of Million Dollar Baby I cried only because I wished Clint Eastwood were injecting ME with a fatal dose of drugs. His latest movie is titled In The Valley of Claw My Eyes Out.

4. Jennifer Garner. “The final 30 minutes [of The Kingdom] are so gripping you won’t be able to move.” Unfortunately, neither will Jennifer Garner’s face as this brick wall of an actress fucks up another movie. Who does Ben Affleck have to sleep with to keep Garner working? Note to Hollywood: CAST JESSICA BIEL IN EVERY MOVIE! Garner actually makes me miss Drew Barrymore. Pinocchio has more range than this walking reinforcement of the adage, “Great tits will get you everything…even if you’ve got the acting skills of a used condom.” Welcome to the Kingdom of Claw my Eyes Out.

5. Cavemen. The official sitcom of Geico. As if programming like “Til death”, Reaper, Beauty and the Geek, Gossip Girl, and My Name is Earl wasn’t enough to make me want to claw my eyes out, along come a sitcom based on a commercial for that awesomely funny product…car insurance. Cavemen makes Everybody Loves Raymond look like All in the Family. It’s Tarzan (1966) meets Pig Sty (1995). Paul Haggis probably wrote the pilot episode. What’s next? A spinoff on the Viagra dude? I doubt I’ll watch this show because I’ll be too busy clawing my eyes out.