I Can Only Go Up From Here

A New Hampshire Yankee in Los Angeles. Will Oggy find fame and Fortune? Will Oggy get his car to run? Will Oggy even find a job? Probably not, but won't it be funny to read about how close he gets?

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Saturday, July 07, 2007

L.A. Man Fights Terror

July 6, 2007
Los Angeles, CA

When local resident Oggy Bleacher walked into the .99 Cents Or Less store on Washington Blvd, he never thought he was about to make a significant contribution to the war effort in Iraq.

"It was, like, just another trip to the store, to get whatever," Bleacher admits from his broken lazy boy recliner in a converted garage apartment two blocks from the .99 Cent Store. "But then I saw it. Finally a way to make a difference. To give something back. I thought, 'Sweet!'"

Bleacher had found on a shelf with flavored lip gloss, thin mints, and other impulse buy items, a disposable butane lighter embellished by a desert camouflage motif and the words "REMEMBER 911 OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM" emblazoned in red military font. At that point Bleacher knew his life was about to change.

"I couldn't remember why I had gone to the store, but I realized there was something else I hadn't remembered: 911."

Bleacher referred to the date in 2001 when four commercial airlines were hijacked and used to attack civilian and military targets on the East Coast.

"All those people [3000] died. For what? Because some Arab never learned to fly? It just seems senseless. Then Senator [President] Bush found atomic bombs in Iraq. It's like, back-to-back, that's a lot of shit going down. Too much. I guess my brain just shut down."

Bleacher had been in the middle of an unprecedented marijuana harvest in Mendocino County when the terrorist attack occurred.

"It was huge. The feds had pretty much given up trying to beat us. So we planted mad crops and, dude, the feast was upon us come September. But when those planes hit them buildings I couldn't concentrate. It was a total grieve-fest on the farm. Still, we had to get the work done so I found that safe space inside myself and crawled in. I was totally nappin'. That's two or three [six] years ago and I'm only now poking out my head, like, to look around. Hey," says Bleacher as he reenacts his emotional, epiphany-filled moment, "what's out there, dude?"

Bleacher doesn't consider himself a hero, "Anyone can man-up and be a man," but it's small acts of courage like his that may be the difference in America's War on Terror.

"I didn't have a lot of dough. Far from it. I'm flat broke. But I didn't want to walk away from a chance to, I don't know, maybe prevent another shit storm from happening. I looked around and saw all these people, you know, a couple Mexicans and Asian workers, some ladies arguing over some discontinued box of paper plates, a guy trying on those really crappy sunglasses, a little kid eating gum, and I thought, 'It's time to act.'"

Bleacher took one of the bags of Fritos chips out of his basket and tossed it on a pile of gummy bears. "I didn't think twice. There was no turning back." He then reached out and picked up the lighter with his right hand. He flicked it on once, "Just to make sure the thing worked. Most shit at the .99 cent store don't work at all." Then he put it on the conveyor belt and watched it move toward the cashier along with two other bags of Fritos, a box of Little Debbie snack cakes, and a bottle of aspirin. $4 worth of products that could turn around an unpopular war.

The sight of the lighter coming down at her didn't particularly overwhelm Lomita, the store employee who calculated Bleacher's bill.

"Is one item. Much item here," Lomita says as she waves her arm around the store. "He buy, yes. One item here, como..." said Lomita as she struggles for the word for "Conveyor belt"

Lomita passed the lighter over the bar code reader and immediately threw it in the bag with the Fritos.

"I'm not sure what I expected her to do," says Bleacher as he lights the end of a joint. "She could have freaked out or maybe started crying. But she just threw it in the bag. Then she looked at me and said 'Four dollar.'"

Once safely on the street with his purchases, Bleacher took the lighter out "and just checked it out." He flicked it on again and read the message out loud. "Remember 911. Operation Iraqi Freedom. It was like a light bulb went on over my head. I finally saw the connection between the two. Operation Iraqi Freedom is about remembering 911. It's a tribute. Then I flicked it on and felt that heat. I put a good vibe out there."

It was only on closer inspection of the lighter that Bleacher realized a small plastic soldier was floating in the butane.

"It's like a cracker jack prize! You get the caramel covered popcorn, and then you get the sticker or treasure map. Here was this lighter with this totally righteous message, and as if that wasn't enough, there's a little toy dude dressed like a soldier floating in the lighter fluid. Whoa!"

Behind the figure is a comparatively large American flag. Near the lighter switch is a smaller American Flag paired with an Iraqi flag.

"It's totally cool how the two flags are flying together. They thought of everything," says Bleacher in reference to the Chinese designers of the lighter. "You've got 911. And you've got the American Flag and a little plastic soldier with the gun, and you've got the desert camouflage and you've got the Iraq flag with the stars. Obviously the American flag has got a more dope [good] vibe, but the red white and black flag, with these stars and symbols has got it going on too. I don't see how you can make it [the lighter] any better. It's even got a flame adjustment lever!"

When asked if there was a possibility of sending a mixed message by metaphorically drowning a U.S. soldier in flammable lighter fluid and placing two American flags on a disposable lighter that was manufactured in China and sold by an undocumented laborer, Bleacher shook his head.

"That's totally glass-half-empty [negative] thinking, bro. Sure, the soldier is drowning in oil based fluid, but, check it out, as you use the lighter, the little bro's head eventually gets above the fluid. Think about it. You're saving the little guy. You're doing your part."

Bleacher demonstrated by attempting to flick the lighter on. After several tries he shook it up and down vigorously.

"Gotta milk this fucker."

On the next attempt the lighter sprang to life, a short flame flickering in the drafty garage apartment of a regular citizen who feels he is making a difference. The soldier's head, indeed, is above the clear lighter fluid and soon all the fluid will be gone. What will Bleacher do then?

"Totally buy another one. What? Am I fucking crazy? Of course I'd do it again. Hell, if I had a buck I'd do it right now. No doubt. If I don't, who will? There were boxes of these bad boys [lighters] in that store."

With those strong words Bleacher lit a joint and inhaled deeply. As he exhaled a plume of smoke he held the lighter up.

"Next time I'm gonna get the one that says 'POW's Never Forget' If they still got it. Yeah. Shit, yeah."



Bleacher, doing his part.